back at square one.
so it seems.

throught the trials
He will carry me.

1:25 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

reading people's blogs got me thinking.
how much of a person do i really know,
and impose my own judgements on others?
does my life glorify God and how has my life reflected His nature and person?

i would say i am thoroughly ashamed for i have misrepresented You so many times.

and a phone conversation with a dear brother brought me to making more decisions and resolutions. to live a life that would be one full of prayer and worship.

in that secret place.

i remember roald dahl's mention of the witching hour. perhaps i'm passed that, which leaves me in a very pensive and thoughtful mood. or its just all the happenings of the past few months.

i do not know.

but i remember the precious moments when i spent it with You early in the morning,communing with You and then getting ready for the day. the nights spent in earnest prayer and silent speech.

they now seem surreal,
and i feel so sucked into the busy-ness of everything,
with hardly room to breathe and catch my breath.

it just keeps coming.
but it is not one of despair,
for my hope shall be in Christ alone.
who took on flesh and dwelt with us.
who gave us life abundantly.
who made it possible to live this life and look forward to a day filled with hope and mercy.
who loved me and gave Himself for me.
who adopted me and redeemed me as His child.

and despite me being the filthiest thing on earth,
my righteousness are but filthy rags!

it was for Your glory that He died,
and yet, what a wonder that You chose us first!
not by our merit, but Your perfect work.

with the sniffles and hope of a better nose and throat tmr,
i shall move to bed,
first spending a quiet moment with my Maker.
and face the day ahead tomorrow with bright cheer.

blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
thought outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day [by Your word and Spirit alone].
So we fix our eyes on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, and what is unseen is eternal.
2 Cor 4-7

we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith
-Hebrews 12

3:03 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

sniffs and snorts.
my nose irritates me.
i feel and hear my throat wearing thin.

how do you keep alive in a world that seems to be full of dread?
what motivates you to wake up every morning and start your day?
"the hope for something better! something to look forward to!"
she says.

and i shake my head and sigh inwardly.

only Jesus.
my blessed Hope for facing the day.
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine!


only You are my Hope in facing the day,
in You, i find strength and meaning,
life abundance.
not as the world understands abundance in material sense,
but peace and joy that things of the world cannot bring
and only that which is found in Him,
and that which the eye cannot see.
unseen things of eternal value and spiritual blessings that Jesus gives.
redemption-to be called out of darkness and damnation into His marvellous light!
to be adopted as daughters and sons of the Most High King,
and the partnership of working with Him.
what a wonder!
what a mystery!

i feel defeated again,
i tried to build a better me,
shack the castle and it fell down.
and i can't learn the lesson
not to send a goldfish to the sea.

but You grant me more grace and strength to keep on,
as cliche as it may sound,
i don't care.
with everything within me,
You shall be what keeps me running.

Oh for grace to trust Him more.

3:46 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

hahahaha.

brightened my aftrnn.

6:16 PM

i received a letter.
one which i sent last october to a friend.
i remember the words spoken,
"Oh ill go check if it's still there."
and i saw it lying on my desk just when i reached home.
i almost missed it,
for it was brown, and a little torn and tattered.
saw the sticker stuck on,
that said, 'addressee gone away'.
i did not know what to think.
but a resigning sigh and
i sat on the bed.
i thought it wouldn't matter anymore.
apparently, it really didn't.
and it did.
what ails, and what besets this frail weak heart?
at the moment i do not know.
i only can sit and think,
turn my heart over inside,
kill as much of it as possible,
and know that a broken and contrite heart is what you desire.


i'm .

but i heard encouragement today.
to press on, endure, persevere.
Jesus, You fire the gun at the start of the race,
You run alongside me,
and You stand at the finishing line cheering me on.

You are the Alpha and Omega,
the Beginning and the End,
and everything in between as well.

the author and perfector of my faith.

and right now, i need you so much.

it's to calm your trembling hand in mind
that's the beauty of romancing
i can hardly breathe while waiting
to find out what your heart is saying

i slipped the crumpled piece of tissue that had scribblings of my heart into my bible. i do not know anyone who would appreciate them right now. talk about being sentimental. i should really stop taking starbucks tissue and drawing and writing on them. it's only comforting to know that You already know what is on my heart and mind before i start writing even. and then, it's the comfort of reading what i wrote and drew because You were the focus and subject of what i wrote and drew about.

i stared at the plastic frame upon which i wrote proverbs 2 on, and wondered who would display it proudly. it seemed so. plain. i just didn't know what to think of it anymore. would people even say it was smth to look at?

i turned the paper coaster around with my fingers, playing with the circle and thinking how i got it in the first place. Coffee Club. was it readable? were the words too dark and small?

i opened the letter, and read the verses i wrote. the songs and lyrics that spoke to me about Your faithfulness and amazingness. would i ever share them?

i don't know.
a part of me dies everyday.
and yea, to deny self, take up my cross daily, and follow Him.

whoever said being a Christian was easy?
but no, our Hope is not in the situations of this world, but an eternal Hope, who is now seated at the right hand of God.

things that are seen are temporal,
but things of eternal value, cannot be seen with the naked eye.

and so, keep my eyes fixed ever on You.

beholding Your beauty
is all that i long for
to worship You Jesus
is my soul's desire
for this very heart You have shaped for Your pleasure
the purpose to lift Your Name high

Labels: purposed to lift Your Name high

12:17 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

an excerpt from nicole's.

1 Peter 3
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Here is an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot’s Keep a Quiet Heart (it’s long, but I promise it’s worth it)… helps us catch a better glimpse of Mary as the mother of Jesus.

Patience is the mark of true inner strength.

———
We see her sweating in the cold of the stable, putting her own life on the line, as every mother must do, in order to give life to somebody else. We see her with the tough shepherds, breathlessly telling their story of the glory of the Lord and the singing of the angel choir.





Everyone else is astonished (a word which comes from “thunderstruck”), but Mary does not join the excited babble. She is quiet, treasuring all these things, pondering them deep in her heart. We see her with the mysterious travelers from the East bringing their lavish gifts. She says nothing as they kneel before the baby she holds in her arms. We see her on the donkey again, on the roundabout journey to Egypt because her husband has been given a secret message in a dream. She does not balk, she does not argue.


We see her in the temple handing over her baby to old Simeon, to whom the Holy Spirit has revealed the child’s amazing destiny: a revelation to the heathen, glory to Israel. But to Mary he gives the far deeper message of suffering, for there is no glory that is not bought by suffering: her son will suffer–he will be a sign which men reject; she, his mother, will suffer, will be pierced to the heart.


No question or answer from her is recorded.
Again we know only her silence.


We see nothing of her for twelve years–days and nights, weeks and months, years and years of caring for the infant, the toddler, the little boy, the adolescent. There is no mention of any of that. Mary has no witness, no limelight, no special recognition of any kind. She is not Mother of the Year.


Hers is a life lived in the ordinary necessity of their poverty and their humanity, no one paying attention to her attention to Him. Whatever the level of her comprehension as to the nature of this boy, she knows He was given to her. She remembers how. She treasures all this. She ponders things in the silence of her heart. Did she share any of them with Joseph? Could she? Could he receive them? We know next to nothing of the dynamics between them. She was content to be silent before God.


I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.

and as i sit here, and think. ponder, mull over what is going thru my mind.
what he said of her.

i can't help but feel foolish.
whatever happened to gentleness?
patience.
quietness?

i have been pursuing again.
instead of waiting; the quiet trust i had in you the past 3 years,
or so it seemed when i mentioned it with a bestie just 3 years ago.
and i feel the sense of loss.
3 years just passed like that?

the sense of loss of intimacy, kinship, love and friendship.

and weeping feels like it wants to accompany me right now.

no, i will shut my heart to despair.
and put my hope in the Living God.
He sees, He knows, He hears.

weak and wounded sinner,
lost and left to die
raise your head for Love is passing by
and Come to Jesus
come to Jesus
come to Jesus and live

like a newborn baby
don't be afraid to crawl
and remember when we walk sometimes we fall
so fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus and live

and when the way gets lonely,
and steep and filled with pain
and when the sky is dark and pours the rain
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus and live



heard it for many a time,
and always wondered, why did they sing that song.
and i realised it speaks in every situation in life.
that Jesus gives life abundantly.
He is there in every situation.
and as i sing this,
emotions run deep.

i looked and smiled at sammie on sunday as she sat me beside me.
the both of us sat captivated for that moment.

and when the song
"Let me serve you"
came on,
our hearts were lifted.

Weeping as you weep,
laughing in your joy.

you would never know, would you?

You see each tear that fall
and hear me when i call.

and yet why is it that i fail to honour You and please You as i should everyday?
forgive me,
i pray.

before the throne of God above
i have a strong, a perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love.


and i really am in awe of You.

12:43 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

frustration.

the amount of things i have to do and catch up on.

shrinking further into the igloo house she built.
seeming to hide from cold winds and polar bears.
unknown, what lies outside the icy shelter
were fields of green grass and flowers.
the sun shone, and no harmful thing lay beyond.

ahh.

come and fight these waves off, my gallant knight.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

sitting at swensons at t2.
had a nutty mighty.
wishing i had coffee instead and save myself all the fats.
ughh.

8:06 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

for me to live is Christ
and to die is gain.

i am slowly learning that.
what an infant i am!
still growing and trusting in Abba Father.

God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
God in my working
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my hoping
God in my dreaming

God in my laughing
God in my weeping

be my everything

once again,
i find new meaning to this song.

some time ago,
it held a different meaning.

now it means so much more.

as i see You here with me.
i might not feel You with my emotions, or my thoughts.
but i know You are with me in Your Word,
and Your Spirit that dwells in me.

the same power that conquered the grave lives in me

what an awesome thought to ponder and mull over.

as i find myself waiting,
asking, seeking.
i shall find You there waiting for me.

and i will fall at Your feet
and worship You.

teach me to worship You
teach me to adore You
teach me to worship You with my whole being
to forsake my sinful ways
each day to do the same
and understand Your ways
O Lord my God.


many a times,
the feeling of dread.
wanting to chance upon a moment
here with you.
and i miss it,
slumbering perhaps,
or distracted for a moment.
seeing that look in your eyes,
i catch my breath
and take a look upwards to the sky.
what beauty
and wonder!
and if only!
and again back that downward stare
wishing for a little something more.
but to be content
safe in your arms.

cause You and me
together
together
together is all we need.

as the hour passed in the night
we lay back and watch the motion picture in the sky
You were the Sun
and i was the moon.
we counted stars and chased constellations

the waves came crashing and tried to take me away
but at your word
they calmed and stilled.
what more could i ask but to stay right here
in your arms that never tire.

cause You and me
together
together
together is all we need.

2:12 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

In Loving Memory of Koh Kee Guan
86 years old.

to you,
my dear grandfather.

you have lost much more weight, and are so much skinnier now. or since i last saw you.
not at all like this photo.

mama said you looked so handsome in your coffin this afternoon.

i remember you in many nursing homes.
i remember we sang hymns and childhood songs.
"Great us Thy faithfulness", "Heaven is a wonderful place".


and i'm just at a terrible loss for words.
perhaps i would never have been able to understand or know him.

the 2 wks before.
it just pained.
and i remb askin God to take you home.
it hurt to see you suffer and hurt.
'my clinical practice', so uncle george said.
and i remb going down from sch to see you, feed you, change your diapers.
and it was so rewarding to hear you say a "thank you", even though it wasn't very audible.

then came the more difficult days.
when you couldn't pass motion.
uncle george had to use the finger.

your bed sore healed. and i remb buying stuff for your wound.
doing the 2hourly turning.
feeding you, and you din't want.
the lactulose. and medicine mixed in with your soft and mashed food.
cleaning your face.

and i sang for you "Great is Thy faithfulness" without knowing it was your fav hymn til today.

and then came the accursed week of CA and assignments.

dad asked me to go see you.
i didn't want to.
was busy with studying and doing all else.
he told me you didn't want to eat, and asked me to feed you.
what a selfish being i am.
wretched.

and then i read the msg you had gone home.
i was. just without any description.

the question that i played with my mind,
now came to pass.
and i felt so.

i'm sorry.
it is all i can say to you,
when i saw you lying in your coffin.

but,
no more suffering,
no more shouting,
no more medication that make you feel horrible,
no more second guessing what you were trying to say,
no more nightmare,
no more pain.

i wish i could join you.

Jesus, please tell kong kong "i love you".
i never had the chance to tell you that.


we sang this today at the cremation.


his favourite hymn:


i went for a walk by the canal.
with so much thought in me.
and i still don't know how or what to do.
but You are still here.

reveal Your love to me more so at this hour,
when i just feel so down
and emotionally empty.

wishing i could just escape from here for awhile.
even for awhile.

steal my heart
take my breath
make me forget these moments ever existed.



Together

One time I dreamt an unknown land
With jungle trees and the blackest sand
Had taken us as prisoners in the night

Upon its shore we could not sleep
Instead we stayed awake to keep
Our minds off things like monsters and the like

Hour by hour we passed the time
We watched a motion picture in the sky
You were the clouds and I was the moon

You and me together
You and me together
Together is all we need

Then waves came crashing down on me
And they tried to take me out to sea
You fought them off so gallantly and won

So back again upon our shore
We really wanted nothing more
Then to hold each other 'til our arms grew tired

Then slowly like a timid flower
The sun rose up at just the hour
When we had gently slipped out of my dream

You and me together
You and me together
Together is all we need



i looked up at the stars in the sky and wish you were here with me.
i wished i could cry into your shoulders.
or just receive an embrace from you.
but no. i guess it isn't so.
until then,

12:15 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

where my feet tread
i do not know.
but i hurry, and rush.
to where you are.
i run, scramble,
fall, scrape my knee.
but i carry on.

every root, every trunk,
every prickle in the ground,
soil on the earth,
i feel it with my toes and its sole.

cool, hard, alive.
made of the dead stuff that were once alive.
and living things that crawl and move on it.

the forest air is cool.
i look up
and breathe in the scent of it all.

at last,
i see your face.
amongst the trees.
so beautiful,
and i stop.

but i fail to see you again.
and you're moving on.

i hurry, i run, and i scramble.
when i fall,
i get up again.





if i could lie in a field
covered with your flowers
smelling of roses and lilies
embracing the beauty of you
without the noise and thoughts
soaking in the beauty of you


argh.

what a tough long wkend.

and i feel all out of sorts.
a mad crazy 2 weeks tt passed. followed by this crazy wkend.

but the song goes:

what a friend we have in Jesus
all our sins and griefs to bear
what a priviledge to carry
everything to God in prayer!

thank u God for loving me despite all my yuckiness.

and i look at the people around me,
and i feel sad.

lesser ppl who do share their minds openly.
share it with less criticism, and less preconceived ideas.

and those whom u love, u see them strayin away.
perhaps in ways that i shuldn judge.
but how do i not?
help me, dearest Lord,
to pray more, and worry less.
pray more and backtalk less.
pray more and to turn every thought into praise or prayer.

exuberant praise.
that s one ting i need to learn.

i'll praise You in the storm
i will lift my hands
You are who You are
no matter where i am
and every tear i cry
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
though my heart was torn
i'll praise You in the storm

brings to my mind
a dance 2 years back.
where i first danced my very first ballet-contemp dance.
and i was just so amazed n enthralled by the beauty of it.
the song, the lyrics, the movements.
actions that speak louder than words.

how can i not ponder and dream of?



when i fall,
You pick me up.
and embrace me with Your arms of love.

11:41 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

finally.
over.

can't believe all that had happened.

and i believe i'm made stronger by Your grace and power.
thank You so much.

1:50 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

food for thought:

Because I am a follower of Christ, I trust in the Bible as the word of God.1 The
Bible is a foundational resource for my thinking about language.

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead by issuing a verbal command: “Lazarus,
come out” ( John 11:43). Jesus’ words have power. The future resurrection of
the body will take place through the power of Jesus’ words: “. . . for an hour is
coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his [ Jesus’] voice and come out,
those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done
evil to the resurrection of judgment” ( John 5:28–29).

At the last judgment people will be judged according to their words:
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word
they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be
condemned (Matt. 12:36–37).

And how can we escape condemnation? The answer to condemnation is found
in the gospel, the good news concerning what Christ has done to save us. That
good news is a verbal message. Through this message, given in language, people
come to believe in Christ and to receive God’s salvation:
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to
everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness
of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous
shall live by faith” (Rom. 1:16–17).

10:51 PM

just had a bath.
felt so yucky and smelly.

feeling better,
and a bit mad.
who bathes at 5.21am in the morning.

time flies and is flying.

fleeting, you are!

ok.

back to microb.

5:21 AM

i mourn over the depravity of our souls.
and over dear friends.

how else can i put it?

i can't.

maybe it's the early hours.

speak to me in the light of the dawn,
mercy comes with the morning
i will sigh and with all creation groan
as i wait for Hope to come for me


do they sigh and groan and wait earnestly for Hope to come?
or are they enjoying life too much here?



The Mission

There's a call going out
Across the land in every nation
A call to those who swear allegiance to the cross of Christ
A call to true humility, to live our live responsibly
To deepen our devotion to the cross at any price

Let us then be sober, moving only in the Spirit
As aliens and strangers in a hostile foreign land
The message we're proclaiming is repentance and forgiveness
The offer of salvation to a dying race of man

Chorus:
To love the Lord our God
Is the heartbeat of our mission
The spring from which our service overflows
Across the street
Or around the world
The mission's still the same
Proclaim and live the Truth
In Jesus' name

As a candle is consumed by the passion of the flame
Spilling light unsparingly throughout a darkened room
Let us burn to know Him deeper
Then our service flaming bright
Will radiate his passions
And blaze with holy light

4:04 AM

i want to lose weight.
my face and everything else.

feeling so fat and ugly.

why do i measure myself again and again to the world's standard of beauty?

it's so sickening.
comparing here and there gets nowhere.

so angsty.
so pimply.

argh.

i can only find myself in You.

wishing you were somehow here
wishing that i always knew
frightening it seems,
helpless i feel
yet it's all for the yet-to-be

somewhere out there
beneath the pale moonlight
someone's thinking of me
and loving me tonight.


i'm only holding on because You are holding on to me.

wishing i could fall sick and just lie in bed.
don't have to eat.
don't have to do anything.

studying all the different illnesses makes me feel conflicted.

You are amazing.

take me to that place
to that secret place
where i can be with You
You can make me like You
wrap me in Your arms

O the power of the Cross
Christ became sin for us
took the blame
bore the wrath
we stand forgiven at the Cross.

3:15 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

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